Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
