party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
