2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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