bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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