Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
