This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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