so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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