Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
