yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
