I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
