just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
