no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
