Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
