my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
