All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
