I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
