im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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