I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Buhtt sex?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
