News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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