I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
