i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
