she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
