next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
