i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
