I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
