nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I understand Curling. That high.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
