Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
