Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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