My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
