Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
