Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
