I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
