Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
