you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
