i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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