god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
