we're chasing vodka with high fives
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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