who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
