Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
