i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Randomize
