your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
