Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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