if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
only you would photoshop your dick
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize