woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
