Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
