if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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