I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
