I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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