Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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