She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
