sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
