Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
