Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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