I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
birth control should be required to get into college
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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