I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Rumble strips road head = magical
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Floor bacon is actually really good
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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