I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
