This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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