I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
