What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
