I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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