why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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